When TV historian Lucy Worsley remarked about being ‘educated out of motherhood’ and ‘being the poster child for opting out of reproduction’ we all wondered whether the longer you stayed in academia the more you were susceptible to communist type reprogramming  laid out specifically for girls with reproduction tendencies.

Unlike Dr Worsley, I am opening my mind to motherhood and in so doing learning more about it each day. While my husband has always entertained the idea of being a father, I am almost hitting the BIG 4.0 and still waiting for that old clock to tick. I have not been ‘educated’ out of motherhood but I’ve most certainly formed a bad impression of it.

But this has more to do with the mothers surrounding me on a daily basis; their stories and behaviour other than what I’d learned at University. I watch television programmes like ‘A baby story’ , ‘One born every minute’, (am convinced that if teens take time to watch these programmes teen pregnancies will plummet) and now know as much as the next midwife about epidurals and various birthing preferences.

In my 20s, I moaned about lack of freedom and partying that deteriorates with motherhood. I was also surrounded by like minded people. London and the world was ours to explore. There was no time to be selfless. We back packed around the globe snogging and avoiding one too many frogs and made merry.  Not long afterwards we were all lucky enough to stumble upon our prince charming and got married.

Ironically,the laughter died when we began to be ‘grown-ups’. We talked less about ‘hot surfer dudes’ and more about how best to bring up a ‘Baby Einstein’ in the most eco-friendly way. In less than 17- months the group was subtly divided into the childless and the child full–because the lingo really does change when you have children-for instance, a friend declares she’s off to the pharmacy to pick up £100 pound vouchers for the ‘Can Parent’ Scheme- this is still a mystery to my childless mind.

Suddenly,friendless and faced with much more free time,(coffee dates with friends are no longer spontaneous and I consider myself very lucky if I have said friend’s full attention for one straight minute) I take a trip to central Asia and travel around Europe some more.

When I return, it is invitation after invitation to birthday parties and christenings. At one christening, we were the only childless couple, “What are you waiting for?” a mother asked us with a look that also said ‘your eggs wait-eth for no man’ How insensitive and thoughtless, I thought. We could really be at it trying but struggling with miscarriages, bareness or infertility.

Recently,a took time off her busy schedule to explain it all to me.

She is a 40 something year old mum who, in her own admission, is fatter and more exhausted now than she’s ever been. She misses being able to concentrate on one thing rather than manage a home, family and work with above average precision. But she is happy.

Her three year old son has uncovered aspects of her personality she didn’t know existed. She is unflinching in the face of vomit and tantrums. She discovered a talent for art, appreciated very much so by her son. She is, in her opinion, excellent at people management than any HR/Business course would allow her.

She, like all mothers, is politically engaged-the battle of the playground is no mean feat. She took a radical move recently ‘to save her son’. She spent two years struggling to get her boy into ‘a very nice school with an outstanding Ofsted report’. She got him in just in time.

Months later she, to the shock of many, retracted her decision and moved him to a less popular private school with a class size of eight. It is clear that she is as informed about the social, economic and environmental implications of the education policy as the Minister of Education.

It seems regressive that anyone would think that women, with a degree from a prestigious university, have allowed themselves to be educated out of natural reproductive function. Furthermore, the implication that those among us who do not have a degree can go forth and breed recklessly is flippant.

Clearly, our unsung heroines are those mothers who’ve managed to have both children and a fulfilling career and there are many. The art of raising the leaders of tomorrow is far from an inferior occupation. One’s ability to be selfless and patient is a far more superior quality in the business of raising children than educational success.

Admittedly,women who have decided not to have children are often made to feel somehow lacking but when we make a choice to breed or not to breed we know that this has nothing to do with how smart we think we are.

Annex Achieng

Annex Achieng is a freelance journalist and writer. Her Children’s book ‘Molly’s Vote’ is out now on Amazon.
To read more articles by Annex, click here

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The trouble with being registered with an upmarket, sought after hairdresser is that you spend more time in the waiting area than you actually do in the chair.

Last Monday in that very waiting area, I sat reading my tome, when I suddenly felt eyes boring in to my soul…oh, no, wait, it was just another female eyeing me up. First she checked out my shoes, then the length of my legs, followed by the width of my thighs, the shade of my skin and of course, the size of my breasts – Shock, horror! Were they bigger than hers?! I smiled at her but instead of returning my smile, she chose to reluctantly avert her gaze. After all, she couldn’t befriend the enemy – could she?

If my human instinct had been sated, I would have thrown down the book, marched up (or indeed teetered in my heels) to this fellow female and shaken her with my bare hands whilst shouting ”Why are you so threatened by me?!” I mean, sure, my hair flowed down by tanned back, my make up dewy and admittedly,on my feet lived the much desired, 14cm, black Python with black flowered lace Christian Louboutins.(I was going out after, honest). Still, did I deserve to be scrutinised, possibly cursed and then have my kind gesture (the smile) ignored?

The more I thought about the scrutiniser, the more I began to feel sorry for her and even empathise with her. After all, aren’t we all, as women, made to feel that we have to be the most beautiful, amazing, intelligent, sexy, maternal, bright, funny, welcoming and inspiring woman in the room?

If men don’t crane their necks to admire us on a night out, then we’re unattractive. If we don’t soar in our careers, we’ve squandered our prospects. If we don’t fit back in to our size 10 jeans a fortnight after giving birth, we’re frumpy. Why do all our efforts have to be mirrored in order for them to be validated?

It doesn’t just begin when we are grown women either. What about when we are at school? Wasn’t it always the pretty girls who were picked to be in the netball team? Or the clever girls picked to be the lead role in the play? How can we really control biased opinions others have of us and what are these biased opinions based on?

I thought about myself. Today was my friend’s husband’s birthday and as a single woman, I had been ordered to look presentable due to the myriad single men rumoured to be attending. (Nobody bothered to realise that I actually liked being single).

So for this one day out of my life, I had my hair professionally blow dried so it hung down like some sort of fantasy goddess; my make-up was straight from the Selfridges counter, my shoes may have been sought after, but the price tag certainly wasn’t and my feet were killing me!

It isn’t just younger women we are competing against. In my last relationship, I practically had to thaw his mother off him when we went out. ”Son, do you want me to iron your shirt?”, ”Would you like dinner instead of eating out, it’s so expensive!?”, ”Doesn’t she cook for you at home?”, ”Oh, son, you are so handsome!”. He lapped it up completely! Needless to say, Oedipus was soon shown the door.

So, the question is…Why do we feel compelled to compete with other women? Why do we feel so threatened if another woman is remotely attractive? If I had a pound for every time I saw a woman firmly grip her boyfriend’s arm and follow his gaze when a pretty woman walked past, I would be writing this from my yacht right now. Just why, oh why do we do it?

Women are judged on many things beyond their control. A woman cannot alter her body shape to conform to society’s views of attractiveness. If a woman is pear shaped, she will have to go to great lengths in order to fit in with the biased view that an hour glass shape is the most aesthetically pleasing, often involving carefully thought out underwear, clothes and in extreme cases, surgery.

A healthy physique and a happy smile just doesn’t seem to suffice nowadays. Women now pay attention to every facet of their physical appearance. The hair needs to be shiny, silky and long. The eyes are to be seductive and telling, mysterious and sultry. The lips are to distend in a lascivious fashion whilst slowly revealing white, straight teeth. The expectations of the female body far super cede any realism with the preference being toned, honed muscles with curves in all the right places and stylish, trendy clothes to temporarily cover them.

This is all before a woman has opened her mouth. After the exhaustion of preening herself to perfection, she then has to worry about sounding interesting, articulate, quick witted and intelligent.

A recent study on 4000 women conducted by Clairol, Perfect Colour 10, found that two thirds of women feel they age more quickly than men, and the women polled rated their appearance a measly five out of 10.

It also emerged that 56 per cent of women worry about losing their looks as they get older and the average woman will spend £600 every year, or more than £49 a month, on beauty products in a bid to stay looking young. The pressure to stay in the race for that all important job, or that loyal husband who will love you for who you are, is enormous and often, incredibly palpable as well as unjustified. The study concludes by saying that the happiest age for women is 28. It is during this time that women feel as if they look their best but the happiness is short lived, with women worrying about wrinkles and grey hair shortly after.

Yes, being a woman in today’s society is a job within itself and we’re competing for it all the time. However, does the fault really lie with other women? Surely if we are all in the same boat, we should seek solace in the pressures of being a woman? Hmmm…I wonder if I am simply being too hopeful and naïve, soon to be stamped all over by an Amazonian woman ready to take my place?

Thankfully, I am not alone in my optimistic vista; Cultural historian Professor Shere Hite remains hopeful. She writes that cattiness and jealousy are tired old clichés and that we love and need each other far more than we like to acknowledge. As a girl who is no stranger to preening, I am still compelled to agree. I hold on to hope that females are our sisters and are there in times of need. If we all just overcame the instinct to compete, we would cause a real revolution – Spice Girls not included.

The Tending Instinct by Shelley E. Taylor backs this by saying that women under stress have the need to ‘tend and befriend.’ We want to tend to our young and be with our friends. It is our natural instinct to want to turn to our female friends for that needed, soul saving advice and love. A solid friendship can even add years on our lives as time with our friends actually reduces our stress levels, which in turn, results in us living longer. So, is it really worth jeopardising our true soul mates for a man or a job?

Perhaps when you take the time and effort to invest in good, solid friendships, you won’t feel threatened by your female friends because you can remember when they had that thick fringe in school; your mind is indelibly etched with the night you held her hair back when she was being sick after one too many tequila shots and you just know that no one else can fully understand you the way another female can. Spice girl shoes included.

*****************************************************************

Article by Maria Costa

Pinkvox - Redefining Women Empowerment - Connect . Collaborate . Change

“The most important career choice you’ll make is your choice of partner” so says Facebook’s Chief Operating Officer, Sheryl Sandberg, and she should know.

Ms Sandberg is a woman with an impressive CV. Business acumen aside, her success in personal relationships has been critical to her professional accomplishments. Ms Sandberg clearly knows a thing a or two about evaluating priorities, cutting her losses and moving on. Her first husband, Brian Kraff, was no less of a high achiever, given his own position as CEO of Market Hardware Inc. but perhaps in the area of supportive husbandry there was a miss. The demise of her first marriage did in no way dampen her ardour for fame, wealth and power.

Empowered individuals know there is no fool-proof Mr or Ms Right but an upwardly mobile Mr / Ms Right-Now-and-Maybe-Forever. Powerful people attract others in a similar vein but it depends on what or who you want. A trophy partner might seem attractive but will you be able to build a mutually beneficial relationship based on mere status and looks? Scholarly and inventive, sporty and adventurous, philosophical and creative, agnostic and eccentric or plain old rich and famous can these partnerships work?

Yes, no and who knows? “Every marriage is a mystery”, Hilary Clinton said, in the wake of her husband’s infamous adultery with a White House intern. No one knows what works and what doesn’t unless you’re shrewd and forward thinking enough to prepare a mental checklist. Needs, wants, desires, respect, kindness and compromise should be high on the list. Strategising and bouncing ideas with a like minded partner is a plus as long as you both know how to enjoy down time together. I’ve no doubt that Ms Sandberg, with her steely intellect knew that all her boxes were not ticked the first time around.

A woman of substance and aspiration knows that you marry an idea and, by no means, an ideal. Whatever floats your boat is going to be a worthy pursuit though you’ll have to be ready to plug a few leaks. Elizabeth Taylor had a penchant for husbands and diamonds. The former she disposed of and the latter she retained – if that’s not an astute merger and acquisition I don’t know what is. This glittering icon of a by-gone era held on to her rocks through the tumult of several divorces.

When two people from a similar career background get together it intensifies their personal and professional potential. The partnership may not endure but there will be a gain from the intellectual stimulus. As a result of one spouse’s occupation you may widen your circle of corporate contacts. If you’ve been involved in philanthropic projects you may find your passion in such an area. Creative niches may be identified through marital social networking. Ivana Trump is a smart investor of property and art works thanks, in part, to advice and skills gleaned from of her entrepreneurial ex-husband.

A shining example of altruism is Magic Johnson, ex-US basketball champ and his wife Cookie, who have raised millions to help others, spread information and raise awareness about HIV prevention. Magic contracted the disease from another woman but Cookie stood by him and showed that love conquers all. Another famous pairing who have created a brand for themselves are the Beckhams. This former Spice girl has a flourishing fashion line that has been more than a little helped by her husband’s prolific sporting profile. Power players on the red carpet include Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. The new kid on the royal block, commoner Kate Middleton, now Duchess of Cambridge married up to become the proverbial power behind the throne.

Power couples have more than ambition and good looks. Most likely they are raised by determined and motivated parents. In a good many instances, effective single parenting has proved that coming from a “broken home” is no barrier to high achievement. White House Incumbent, Barack Obama credits his late mother as the driving force behind his success, reportedly, waking him at 6am so that he could get in a few hours study before leaving for school in Indonesia. Lance Armstrong, seven times consecutive winner of the Tour De France and cancer survivor, was born to a 17-year-old who left his father shortly after the birth.

A high net worth partner is an enticing prospect; an entrance pass onto the “six figure income” circuit is not be sniffed at but what lies beneath? Still waters that run deep or shallow flotsam? If he possesses incisive and judicious mental faculties combined with professional and social capital to complement your own then hoist the sails! Material things should be an enhancement to good character, not to be used as a distraction for glaring deficiencies of spirit. He could be a tightwad behind the façade, cruel and bitter, lethargic and disinterested or a spend-thrift and bon viveur. Pay attention to your head but follow your heart.

Sheryl Sandberg is a hard core intellectual and though we all might not reach heady heights in the corporate stratosphere, hers is a blueprint to emulate. Her senior thesis on: “how economic inequality contributes to spousal abuse” promoted her feminist flair. Career envy will chip away at a relationship, playing home-maker if it doesn’t fully satisfy will frustrate you and your loved ones. “Keep seeking out promotions and new opportunities otherwise you’re going to be bored because you should have kept your foot on the gas pedal“ is Ms Sandberg’s wise counsel. She has not slowed down despite the birth of two children.

Working long hours at the office will not be welcome unless you both appreciate that it’s necessary at times. Long-term vision and common goals will keep you both fired up and, more importantly, maintain equilibrium. An effective partnership is a marriage of values, principles and shared risk-taking. Walk down the aisle and say “I do” to your ideas if you are in any way seeking a meaningful personal or professional outcome. Analyse your personal strengths and weaknesses; don’t be brought down by someone who feeds your insecurities. Someone with a perception of progress and prosperity that mirrors your own will hit the target.

The offshoot of the correct balance of essential qualities is contentment, joy and peace. When two powerhouses unite it’s the forging of a monumental conglomerate; a new age personal venture capitalism. No life coach, mentor, or careers advisor is ever going to tell you that the spark or adrenaline rush you get from your partner will assist your ambition but a savvy business woman knows that it does.

Lucille Morgan

Lucille is a writer, activist and free spirit. Fiction and poetry are her mainstays. An area she is keen to explore is ‘Debt Solutions’.
Lucille is on the editorial team and assists in sourcing new talent for Pinkvox. To read more articles by Lucille click here

Pinkvox - Redefining Women Empowerment - Connect . Collaborate . Change

Japanese society is often cited as an example of patriarchy gone unchallenged, and in many ways, this is true. The country has never seen a female leader, and the government is stolidly comprised of slightly overweight men, graying at the temples. The concept of a stay-at-home Dad is regarded as little more than a foreign fallacy, and the working fathers themselves are more likely to be found in a smoky bar or hunched at a computer screen of an evening, than tucking in their brown-eyed children. Though more women can be found in professional fields nowadays, the primary place of a woman is, almost unequivocally, in the home, and those homes are as tiny and immaculate as the residents within.

It’s interesting, then, that Japan is also the birthplace of the geisha. Foreigners might regard the geisha as a natural adjunct to a country that regards the woman in a dichotomy of Madonna and Whore, but these beliefs come from a misunderstanding of the historical role of the geisha. Geisha are regarded by many as merely a silk kimono and pale face away from prostitutes. In fact, true geisha rarely had sexual relations with their patrons, and when they did it was either as part of an immensely expensive and rare ceremony or when the entirety of their services was purchased for the sole enjoyment of a single man in a contract which bound until retirement. Geisha could not marry, but they could take lovers, and in the majority of cases the sexuality of a geisha was a private matter wholly abstracted from her activities as a professional.

The stereotypical picture of a geisha is a demure and sedate one; bowed beneath the weight of coiffure, face-paint and silk, they shuffle on their tiny feet. No eye contact is made – though they might pose for a photograph with a foreigner, they will not smile and they will not speak. To the uneducated observer, the geisha is a symbol of all that is wrong with the treatment of women within the country, a servant to the needs of men. But it is true that patriarchal Japan has resigned women to the role of caregiver, nurturer and mother, the geisha was, and is, none of these things.

The geisha, as she was in her heyday pre-World War Two, was a consummate professional. Usually proficient in the arts of dance, conversation, and the Japanese tea ceremony, a geisha would often also specialize in some other difficult traditional craft such as calligraphy. She was intelligent and wry, coy and alluring, and she utilized her skills as an entertainer and hostess to transfix the minds of those wealthy enough to buy her time. Her training might begin as young as fourteen years old, and once she was accepted into the fold as a geisha, she would remain as such until she retired. These were women who had transcended the societal limitations of their sex, and held power and sway over Japan’s most powerful. Their patrons were men who could have anything they desired – but they could not have the geisha.

The degradation of the imagine of the geisha occurred during World War Two, when common prostitutes began to market themselves as geisha girls to attract the attentions of young American soldiers. As the lines between artist and whore blurred, the profession went into decline, and though the end of the war saw some restoration of the art, it was never restored to its former glory, the image forever changed. The geisha, now, was synonymous with sex, and not purely with desire.

Though feminism in Japan is young, and tremulous, it could be said that it finds its roots in the misunderstood myth of the geisha. The modern woman has many traits in common with the geisha, though she may not always understand the extent of her power. The import placed on looks and grooming harks back to the immaculate face of the entertainer, doing much the same job in enticing hapless males. The Japanese woman today might feign ignorance or shyness in order to draw a man to her mystery, but this a farce, for they are more highly educated and informed than ever before. Like the shuffling, demure geisha, Japanese women are so much more than they appear.

There are flaws in the comparison. While a geisha was a geisha until she choose to retire, the modern woman maintains her allure for only a short time – in Japan, unmarried women past their mid-twenties are termed ‘Christmas Cake’ – no good after the 25th. Geisha earned huge amounts of money in their craft; Japanese women today must struggle against discrimination in many fields of work.

But the same determination exists, and a similar manifestation of feminism can be seen. There is no feminist fervor to penetrate the patriarchy, and, especially, there is no desire to be treated the same as men. There is simply faith; in the allure of the feminine mystique, and in the knowledge that Japanese men always have needed, and always will need, Japanese women. It is not ignorance that keeps the women of Japan true to the traditions that hold their society together, but a patient strength beneath the painted face.

Scarlett Cayford

Scarlett Cayford is a law graduate living and teaching in Japan.
To read more articles by Scarlett, click here

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I had been with Andy for three years and I assumed I knew him. I had finished work for Christmas and returned home to what should have been a normal evening. Andy didn’t return home for some time, which wasn’t rare, his journey home often involved stopping at the local pub for a pint…or three.

I waited in the car for hours until I was sure Andy was asleep and couldn’t hurt me anymore. Freezing cold, at 4am, I went back into the house and found him passed out, the window smashed and the Christmas tree in a heap on the floor.

*****

I got an email late at night from work, asking me to meet Brian Walker at 9:30am next morning. I was a bit surprised as it did not have an agenda attached to it. So I thought it might be one of those ’Hello, welcome to our firm!’ meetings that I have been made to attend since I joined this law firm, 3 months ago.

My legs were shaking; I felt I would fall down any moment. But I did not fall; I walked out of the office. At that time the only question in my mind was, should I go back to home, or should I stay in this city – my 3 months old new home. I could hear my friends, relatives and acquaintances saying Laci ‘you are back, so soon?’

Jenny’s fight against domestic violence and Laci’s struggle for professional survival are not uncommon. In fact, it seems as though modern life is full of difficult situations that either make or break an individual’s resolve. In the last decade, society as a whole has dealt with a variety of such traumas, from numerous terrorist attacks to a variety of natural disasters. In recent years, the recession has caused financial havoc and record job losses.

Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress – such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. It basically means being able to ‘bounce back’ from challenging experiences. (American Psychological Association, 2010)

But why do some people tend to bounce back quickly from negative experiences, while others crumble under the pressure?

Like all aspects of our personality, resilience begins to take shape in childhood. Those who have had to deal with difficult situations from any early age may be better able to cope with challenges in adulthood.

“If children grow up in an overprotective environment, they may never learn how to flex their resilience muscle,” explains Jeff Russell, of Russell Consulting, Inc.

As primary care givers, mothers may be seen as the driving force behind the environment in which children grow up.

In Jenny’s case, observing her own mother’s battle with domestic violence enabled Jenny to fight against her own partners’ abuse.

“When I was 13, I witnessed my mum as the silent victim of abuse, which left her as a shadow of her former self. I didn’t want that to happen to me. I swore that if domestic violence happened to me, I’d leave straight away.”

In contrast to Jenny’s experience, positive examples of resilience can also enable children to remain strong in the face of adversity. In Laci’s story, her primary focus was to remain strong in order to provide a stable and happy environment for her baby in their new home.

Similarly, Claire, a mother of two adolescent children, explains how her example of life as a single, working mother has resulted in her children gaining resilience. “My children have learned that life isn’t all hearts and flowers. They have learned that you can go without and still be happy. They have learned that nothing comes easy. They have lived in a house where they have to help out, prepare basic meals, do laundry and complete household chores. But they have also learned that they are very loved and the most precious thing in the world to me.”

Although the process begins in childhood, resilience is not an innate characteristic. As adults, we can learn to become more resilient by looking at challenges in a new way. One can expand upon their resilience by taking action and remaining positive in difficult situations, whether they are traumatic experiences like abuse or everyday stresses regarding work or family.

Resilience consultant and author of ‘The Bounce Back Quotient’, Linda Nash, explains how this concept can work. “Resilience is like a bank account. Every day we have an opportunity to add to it or draw from it. The goal is to add as much as possible each day, week, and year. Then, when setbacks, difficulties, or even catastrophes come, we have plenty to draw on.”

The recent buzz about resilience quotients is understandable given the current financial, physical, emotional and professional turbulence we all feel in today’s society. As Jeff Russell noted, “people are now looking for answers to difficult questions and have found them in resilience quotients.”

You can determine your own RQ by following a variety of assessments available online. If you wish to find yours, click here to access one such assessment developed by Linda Nash.

However, resilience is not only about how high or low you score on a test. To be resilient one must focus on learning from difficult experiences and approaching new challenges with determination to move forward.

As the Zen saying goes, it does not matter how many times you failed or fell down; all that matters is how many times you got up… determined to face the world.

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Article by Julia Ammon

Pinkvox - Redefining Women Empowerment - Connect . Collaborate . Change

In the beginning there was man and woman. Man never rang woman but could sometimes send thoughtless text messages, “Where R U?” and that was that. Needless to say woman didn’t waste anytime and soon moved on to the next man, and the next. The pattern was the same. Man after man was lazy, selfish and thoughtless.Thoughtful text messages still only came from fellow women friends. Although we women enjoyed being rescued, we found ourselves more and more taking the initiative. We now arrange dates and enquire about everyone’s health and gossip.

Sometimes we find ourselves facing the world with a bum the size of the earth after a season of over indulging in the stress that comes with daily decision making. How on earth do we get back in shape and into that wispy not-for-fat people designer gown? We decide that we need results- fast.

Men don’t understand this and generally accuse women of fishing for compliments or reply-if they have evolved a tiny bit- “You don’t look fat to me.” But we don’t listen, we decide to go for that ‘work out till you are sick’ regime which also includes counting and monitoring every grain that passes our lips. We fret about weight all the time-our least charming habit.

It is at this point that I am reminded of ‘Elephant Whispering’ -a powerful metaphor widely known by politicians,religious leaders, entertainers, advertisers, teachers and more. The rider is the conscious mind-the small fraction of our being that we are conscious of and the elephant everything else.

When you want to get information from another person what do you do? You ask them, in other words you ask their rider. This works very well for information the person is consciously aware of, such as the recipe for tiramisu or the capital of Togo. At the same time, your elephant is communicating with theirs and picking up subtle clues to things like their social status and emotional state: the kind of things animals love to notice about each other. For instance, it is expected that two days after our first date man calls me and asks me out again the following week. If I say am busy, am not interested, If I don’t return your calls am not interested, leave it. Persistence is at first flattering and then annoying and then outright creepy. But if I say yes to a second date then we are on.

It is all fine until you need some of the information the elephant has but the rider isn’t aware of like why do we continue with habits that we know are unhealthy?

There are still many areas in the world where the culture is such that men make all the decisions. This social structure has worked for them for thousands of years. Some people question whether it is appropriate to be trying to change the culture in the name of progress.  An interesting study on decision making was done at the University of Wisconsin. It studied decision making in the form of mathematical questions and problem solving amongst boys and girls of various ages. Their conclusion was that both boys and girls have fairly equal abilities. Any discrepancies were very much because of cultural biases and stereotypes.

In one particular mathematics exam, the boys and girls had similar results, except for those girls that had been told before the exam that the exam itself would indicate gender differences. These girls did not score so well in the exam. It’s even more significant when you consider that all the students were in the top grade for mathematics. Thus, the difference in stereotypes plays a huge role in the decision making process. What somebody believes and assumes to be true about themselves drives their decision making.

This is seen in young children and how boys and girls have different toys, and play different games. The traditional boys’ games are ‘wilder’ and involve more risk than the girls’ ones. They are essentially learning to take on different roles. However, these roles seem to be changing more rapidly than at any other time in history. Children seem to be making more decisions at a younger age. Just consider the rise in teenage pregnancy rates. Many studies have shown that the effect of gender in decision making is actually quite small, and cultural and stereotypical influences are probably much more important.

We mustn’t forget the hormones. When you consider gender and decision making, the next thing to consider, of course, are the sexual differences, the differences that exist because of the different genetic makeup of males and females. Women know that hormonal fluctuations, during menstrual cycle and pregnancy, can affect emotions and in a large part thinking and decision making.

If hormones be the root of our decision making or indeed our indecisiveness, then woman must move from the old format of reality shows ‘who stays’ or ‘who goes’ to a mordern take of the Greek tradegy where she gets an audience, of ordinary men and women of different ages and experience, to spend a week living, working an arguing with her before they deliver a fully interactive verdict on her life. She could crowdsource issues like: Should I relocate? should I kick out my troublesome teen? or should we get married or part ways? Sometimes they could just observe.

Still would you allow strangers to delve into your personal circumstances and uncover problems to inform a picture of your life and how to improve it? This requires a highly evolved individual. Since I am not there yet my hormones and I will try to keep calm and carry on the way we have been doing for decades.

Annex Achieng

Annex Achieng is a freelance journalist and writer. Her Children’s book ‘Molly’s Vote’ is out now on Amazon.
To read more articles by Annex, click here

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Apparently, every woman wants The Tan To End All Tans. And we British women are willing to do anything to get it. From oiling tin-foiling and roasting yourself on the beach, to coin operated sunbeds, to illegally imported nasal sprays and half-squatting in your living room in nothing but pants waiting for it to dry… we’ve been tangoed.

But, what are the politics of tanning?

Come with me now on a journey through the glorious rainbow of tan options from carrot to industrial wood varnish…

If you want a real-life tan in cloudy Northern Europe, your first port of call is going to be a sunbed. Sunbeds are everywhere: installed in gyms, spas, hotels, beauty parlours, available to buy for your home and even advertised as a quick cure for Seasonal Affective Disorder. But that’s ok, because they’re safe aren’t they? Wrong. In the past 30 years, rates of melanoma in Britain have quadrupled. According to Cancer Research UK, skin cancer is now the most common cancer among 15 to 34-year-olds and heavy use of sunbeds is largely responsible. The risk of the most serious form of skin cancer- Melanoma- increases by 75% in people who start using sunbeds regularly before age 30.

The International Agency for Research on Cancer upgraded sunbeds to the highest risk category and they are now classed as “carcinogenic to humans” meaning sunbeds are equivalent to smoking or exposure to asbestos. Shockingly, Sunbeds emit UVA rays up to five times stronger than the sun.

But these dangers seem to have no effect on the number of people using sunbeds. The greatest proportion of sunbed users at risk are, of course, women. Women are willing to risk life and pasty limb to get golden, before the holiday, during the holiday and after the holiday. And men aren’t far behind.

Fake Bake is offered as the safe alternative. Gradual tanners contain dihydroxyacetone (DHA) a chemical that permeates the  surface layer of the skin and reacts with the amino acids in the dead outer layer, resulting in a tan which ‘develops’ after a few hours and lasts as long as the affected layer of skin does. St Tropez, the UK’s most recognisable brand of self-tan claims 41% of UK women use self-tanning products.

Men are not a significant proportion of users probably because fake tan seems too much like body paint or makeup, and may therefore be dangerously feminising. Fake tan is safer than sunbeds, but the coup is that it is temporary and has to be constantly maintained with repeat applications at ridiculous cost. The tanning itself is a humiliating procedure, in which you stand naked against a wall wearing a paper thong and an airbrush technician in a white mask will hose you down like a rotating kebab or a mental patient being forcibly washed. If you ask her nicely she can apply some extra shading, and that’s how I got the abs I always wanted. Remember, any humiliation and any monetary cost is worth it to get the uniform skin tone and colour of a plastic dolly, or a Cumberland sausage.

Why are we so infatuated with being bronzed all of a sudden? It is extraordinary considering that throughout almost all of Western fashion history, the milky whiteness of a lady’s skin was indicative of her high class status. Being tanned and weathered was proof that you had undertaken manual labour outside of the home, so to preserve their pale complexion upper class women were confined indoors or walked outside under parasols or veils. Quack doctors would offer bizarre treatments like drinking vinegar, or hazardous ones like arsenic pills to slowly poison their customers into a [deathly] white hue. Greek and Roman women painted their faces with white lead and chalk, in the medieval period women would perform bloodlettings to attain a sickly pallor, and from the 1600’s on women used a whitening agent composed of carbonate, hydroxide, and lead oxide as makeup and blue veins were painted onto the skin to give the appearance of a complexion so pale as to be translucent. Unfortunately these chemicals caused terrible allergic reactions, acne and scarring [requiring coverage with more white makeup] and the lead accumulated in the body, resulting in muscle paralysis, kidney failure, seizures, anaemia, coma and eventually death if exposure was great enough.

Women would never be more beautifully pale than they were in their coffins. And perhaps the ideal woman is still as lifelike, well preserved, changeless, and posed as a corpse?

The defining moment of the change in fashion seems to have been the sun kissed return of Coco Chanel from a holiday in St Tropez, in 1923. Travel within Europe was becoming easier and the rich started to indulge in foreign holidays to the Cote d’Azur and the suntan quickly becomes a signifier of wealth.

In the 1920′s a slim boyish silhouette is in vogue, as social rules regarding the behaviour of women relax and women start to enter the workforce. The ideal woman is no longer the pale modest Gibson Girl but healthy women who exercise and keep strong and therefore get outdoors, becoming tanned from luxury activities like sports. This was connected, at the time, to ideas about preserving the ‘health of the race’ by making sure women in particular [as the bearers of the next generation] are fit and useful people instead of delicate shut-ins, and of a culture working to create physical perfection in human beings as they see it. It is later accompanied by the elimination of abnormal, defective, weak and imperfect characteristics [and eventually, persons] as a search for racial perfection spirals into eugenics, and inspires fascist ghettoising and genocide in the 1930′s.

Unfortunately, signifiers of high status or desirability tend to filter down from the elite women to affect everywoman. Poorer women can give the impression that they can afford to holiday abroad by buying a cheap imitation tan on the high street, and playing catch-up with the rich. But when everyone has a tan, how can we tell who are the elites and who are the fakers? The caricature of working class women is now synonymous with Fanta Orange Saturday Night Slappers. The cheapness of their tans is a reflection of the cheapness of them as women, especially sexually.

As a result desperate women turn back to sunbeds, or more recently, to illegally imported ‘herbal’ alternatives or unlicensed medicines like Ubertan- a nasal spray that claims to ‘activate’ or deepen a natural tan when you sunbathe, and was being sold under the counter at UK gyms and salons. It’s now banned by the government watchdog The Medicines and Healthcare Products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) after reports of serious side effects.

Women would do anything to be pale, and now they will do anything to be tanned. The goal is different but the method is the dependence on the white paint or the tanning bottle to maintain the charade. That’s because women aren’t acceptable as they are. Women have to fashion themselves into real women, fashion being the key word. It’s like cutting off your toes to fit into the glass slipper.

The Evil Twin of fake bake is the bloated industry of skin lighteners which saturate countries like Israel and India, and are marketed towards Arab, Black and Asian women with all the subtlety of a bull on steroids in the international museum of cut crystal antiques.

Some skin lighteners contain steroids, mercury, bleach, Kojic acid or hydroquinone. Over the counter hydroquinone formulations above 2% concentration were banned by the United States FDA in 2006. The FDA stated that hydroquinone cannot be ruled out as a potential carcinogen because studies have shown it causes increased rates of mononuclear cell leukemia, tumors and adenomas in rats. It was banned from cosmetics in the European Union in 2001. Possible side effects of using a topical cream containing 4% hydroquinone include contact dermatitis and severe burning, itching, crusting or swelling of the skin.

Skin lighteners containing these chemicals can be bought all over the world, and all over the internet. Illegal imports can be easily found in dodgy salons and pharmacies in the UK being flogged to black and Asian women.

Porcelana is an international brand of skin bleaching creams that contain 2% hydroquinone, and can be bought in the USA at WalMart [the Mega-Supermarket chain which also owns ASDA]. Fair and White is a brand specifically targeted towards black women, containing 2% hydroquinone and Kojic acid and promising ‘a dramatic improvement within 2-3 weeks’.

But it’s not just backstreet beauticians who are in the trade of skin lightening products. All the major beauty brands like Maybelline, Avon, Vaseline, Estee Lauder and Nivea have their own range of brighteners, lighteners and whiteners, but you wouldn’t know it if you aren’t a woman of colour.

Fair & Lovely is the brand leader in India, and was launched in 1978 by Hindustan Unilever. Hindustan Unilever is, predictably, part of Swollen Multinational Overlord Unilever, which owns about half of the brand products in your house from Dove to PG Tips, from Domestos to Marmite, from Radox to I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

Hindustan Unilever says its products ‘touch the lives of 2 out of 3 Indians’ and in India, Malaysia and Indonesia it sells Fair & Lovely and another skin lightening cream called White Beauty. Fair & Lovely does not contain hydroquinone, and is essentially a vitamin enriched moisturiser with sunblock, but that is not the point. Their controversial adverts do the work of the lighter-is-better ideology that makes women seek out the creams that do contain the topical poison anyway. Ads from the 70’s or 80’s show women conspiratorially passing the secret of their pale skin between family members then being able to work out the arranged marriage of their dreams to a moustachioed hunk. Current adverts show miserable frumpy dark skinned women becoming measurable shades paler and happier like a living paint chart, and getting the job of their dreams.

Fair & Lovely say their products are for ‘the New Indian Woman’ and that they are ‘empowering her to go further’ as computer animations show pigment crumbling off like dirt to reveal pink underneath, or a film of colour being peeled away from the face of a model or Bollywood star who only needs a pair of blue eyes to complete the look.

White women, who are outside of the target market for skin lighteners, can see how crude and manipulative the marketing is, but fail to apply this analysis to marketing aimed at them, say, to do with tanning. The social groundwork to make the whiter-is-better-myth work to sell a ‘corrective’ product has not been done on us. But the same people who are selling the skin lighteners to Indian women are selling gradual tanners to white British women, and they are careful that neither group be exposed to the marketing propaganda aimed at the other.

Eventually though, in the name of profit there will be a crossover. Hideously, anal bleach and vulva bleaching products are now available to treat ‘hyper-pigmentation’ of the genitals [female genitals that is] so white women can get the blanched porn aesthetic at home, and dark women can approximate white women with Fair & Lovely’s ‘Clean & Dry Fairness Intimate Wash’.

Have you noticed ads for products that use red headed models to claim they ‘fade blemishes and dark spots’ or ‘reduce the appearance of freckles’? This is how skin lightening creams are starting to be sold legitimately in the UK, as if they’re really for white women like Dita Von Teese- who recommends skin lighteners in her autobiography to get a gothy vintage look.

This all seems to be about a tricky intersection of gender, class and race inequality.

Indian women exist inside their own class system based on skin colour- with higher caste being associated with paler skin and lower caste associated with manual work outdoors. And they are dealing with the imperial spectre of British colonialism resurfacing in a hatred of dark skin.

Women in the UK are competing for class based subdivisions too- aspiring to the natural beach tan of the rich and avoiding the Jaffa Fakes of the working classes.

Each group of women is struggling to achieve a literally impossible task- to permanently change the fundamental colour of their skin.

Is it that we just all want what we haven’t got? Whites want to be tan and dark skin tones want to be pale and women are just fickle!

Those saying that the popularity of the tanned look is about whites trying to look Asian are under the illusion that everyone wants what they don’t have equally.

Tanning is about whites competing with other whites for class status. In white majority societies like ours, women of colour have not achieved a sufficient standard of whiteness to be acceptable and so must struggle up the hierarchy towards whiteness as the principle goal. Compounding this message is the feeling of what skin tone is desirable within black and Asian communities. For example- no matter how dark your skin, as a woman, you must be markedly paler than your male partner to be feminine.

These endless pointless beauty tasks [like Waiting For Godot performed by the cast of The Only Way Is Essex] are a series of preoccupying hoops that subliminally set women of different classes and races against each other, each looking over our shoulders at what the others have got.

It’s only because of western arrogance that we believe that a certain body presentation or characteristic [like hairlessness/white teeth/high-up breasts or thinness] are characteristics which are universally or objectively aesthetically pleasing, instead of being just as strange a cultural aesthetic as the lip-plates of African tribeswomen.

Confronting this different aesthetic is jarring- cracks appear in what we think women should look like as we watch our sisters elsewhere desperately contort themselves into a shape we find strange or ugly.

When we are amused or outraged by alien beauty fads we are encountering the tight aesthetic boundaries women are expected to conform to, elsewhere in the world. It sometimes looks different, but it’s Patriarchy alright. Let the mirror crack.

Emma-Rose Cornwall

Emma-Rose is a radical feminist writer and artist from East Anglia, who is part of the activist network Feminist Action Cambridge. She most enjoys hanging off the cliff edge of radical feminist analysis and dipping her toes in the river of theatrical solutions.
At Pinkvox, Emma-Rose is a features writer. To read more articles by Emma-Rose click here

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Last week I watched Meet the Romans with Mary Beard and found myself laughing at Beard’s mannerisms. A few days later AA Gill wrote a review in the Sunday Times and I laughed at that too. We’d picked up on the same thing, or so I thought – Beard’s eccentricity and oddness. However, after hearing Beard’s withering riposte, I thought myself an inherently sexist pig: Gill was really insulting Beard’s looks, you see. I re-read it. I’m pretty sure I glossed over the Undateables inference. Although, not all the Undateables were ugly, some were merely disabled. Beard maintained, this was a hideous personal attack and piece was inherently sexist. But, why would an esteemed, professor give a toss about AA Gill’s puerile opinions? Moreover, was this really a sexist article?

Some answers lie within the piece. Gill’s “carping sexism” does not extend to classicist, Bettany Hughes. When reviewing her programme, Divine Women, he robustly commended the content and articulation of Hughes’ feminist discourse saving a few criticisms for its production.

However, as Beard galvanised support on Twitter, fellow maligned presenter, Claire Balding claimed: “[Gill] hates intelligent women.” Although this is undermined by the Hughes review, her comments highlighted a fundamental difference between Beard, Balding and Hughes in that the latter is considered to be attractive.

So, is this the manifestation of cruel misogyny in the context of beauty, or is he still just taking the piss out of her because she is quite funny to watch? The thing is Beard is fascinating to watch and perhaps not for the right reasons. I love her enthusiasm and erudition but she does remind me of rent-a-ghost or a happy-go-lucky Miss Havisham, flailing around Rome with odd mannerisms, wild gesticulation and odd facial movements. That’s why I was laughing.

The truth is I would probably have written something similar to Gill, in the same way I would have mocked the physical weirdness of David Starkey – this even before he called a school boy on a TV programme, “porcine” and way before he turned into some strange Enoch Powell quoting, racist twat.

Truthfully, bar a few, the majority of historians (male or female), broadcasting across traditional channels look moderately inbred. Just look at Time Team. Mick Astor and Phil Harding resemble the missing link. I’m surprised they haven’t run archaeological digs on each other’s arses or ‘Geo-Physed’ their balls.

Although, here too, was a similar furore. Anglo-Saxon archaeologist, Helen Geake – yes Geake I’m not making this shit up – was usurped by Cambridge-educated, Special K model, Mary-Ann Ochota. Astor threw his medieval toys out of his trench and quit in disgust. Astor, you see, had earned his right to look like a moody troll. Although he was, commendably, supporting Geeke over her marginalisation, he realised the appearance of a model would erode the intellectual integrity of his programme; this despite Ochota’s academic credentials. Proving there is an inherent fear of beauty and intellect colliding in the humanities.

Whatever: Beard shouldn’t give a shit about AA Gill; he’s hardly a paradigm of sartorial perfection. His look can neatly be described as ‘Werthers original granddad meets Old Etonian sex pervert’.

When he isn’t shooting animals out of trees, Gill is employed to write reviews that occasionally irritate the world. Still, Beard went onto decry his intellect remarking he lacked the faculties to readily argue with her. But, surely she was aware that he readily admits his idiocy? In a 5 minute interview with the BBC, he spoke of his ineptitude at Art criticism and laughingly reported how he “failed into journalism.” None of his articles are going to be intellectually profound, but they are funny. And that is his job. He writes very well and his prose is invariably barbed with the odd vapid slur.

I don’t think Gill is a misogynistic beast, but he is a Beardist and probably needs to leave her alone. Leave Beard alone! However, as long as historians such as Adam Hart-Davies continue to broadcast , as Timmy Mallet and Lucy Worsley continues to broadcast in the guise of an imp from Middle Earth then we’re all going to take the piss out of you…. just a little bit.

Mary, there’s nothing wrong with being an Ancient Geek, keep calm and carry on Rome-ing.

Jodie Nesling

Jodie is a freelance writer and professional misanthrope. She writes acerbic and witty commentaries that are usually deemed ‘masculine’ in convention.
At Pinkvox, she hopes to challenge this assumption by proving women can write trenchantly too. To read more articles by Jodie click here

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Did you have a thing for the boy next door, a fellow uni student, a colleague at your first job, a friend’s friend or maybe your boss? Was it mutual or one sided? Did you say a tentative yes or a firm no? Did it become a dalliance or dangerous liaison?

The meeting of a potential partner relies on many factors, fate, synergy, chemistry, the meeting of eyes and minds. What attracts us to people is buried so deep in our psyches that we’ve got no inkling that those blue eyes, dimples and a winning smile can be the forerunner for relationship doom. Dysfunctional characters are no more men in dirty raincoats or down and out saddos. The dark side of human nature flourishes in intellectuals and educated men as much as those at the lower end of the social stratum.

Our fallibility and psychological triggers lie at the heart of the matter. Lack of experience in youth means that we just fall in with the crowd. We’re encouraged to network and create an online social identity and, in all innocence, we share and pass on sensitive information. We know the rules but we flout them for the sake of not being left out of the media loop. When you’re young, anything goes and warnings from elders usually fall on deaf ears.

There’s a new awareness in society about insidious forms of harassment and bullying, effectively the trespass of your personal space, but more the invasion of your mental and emotional recesses. A large number of the perpetrators of stalking and cyber bullying happen to be men and the macabre terminology of psycho, freak, creep have evolved from these practices.

Statistics reveal that 36% of women aged between 18 to 45 have been on the receiving end of this new wave of misogynistic cyber-terrorism. Many divorced and separated women, following a relationship breakdown, have endured a backlash from a husband and partner. If “hell hath no fury than a woman scorned” then some men are putting on a great show for equality!

The knock on effect of mass communication in the Information Age is that via mobile phones and computers we are accessible 24/7. 38% of teenagers are reported to have received an explicit text or email and the senders are alleged to be from their social circles.

Empowered women as we may think of ourselves, we don’t like to acknowledge our physical and psychological vulnerabilities. If we’re harbouring feelings of low self-esteem then we’ll read something more into a stranger’s smile or fleeting glance. It might be an attention seeking ploy when we mistake need for love. It may be flattering at first to have an admirer but don’t let all your defences down. In your eyes this may be a casual encounter as you spy him at the gym, the station or in the supermarket. By the time reality bites, a sinister chain of events is in motion.

Take the case of Ruth Jeffrey, a student, who had been with her boyfriend Shane, since the age of fourteen. Her mobile phone number and pictures were sent to adult websites and shots of her face were superimposed onto glamour models. She endured a long campaign of cyber stalking that near destroyed her emotional well being. If not for the intervention of her parents who hired a company to put tracers on the origin of the messages and sites she may have never have discovered the truth. This psychotic behaviour earned him a spell in prison but the judiciary are still a long way off from providing effective sentencing and rehabilitation.

Claire Waxman also suffered a similar experience with someone she met at a college in Hertfordshire. Elliot Fogel became obsessed with her and bombarded her with emails, notes , flowers and other tokens of his affections. He kept up this barrage even when she got engaged, married and had a baby. Mr Fogle would appear outside her office at lunchtimes, break into her car to leave her gifts. Each time she changed her telephone number he managed to find it. Ms Waxman says that she felt constantly under surveillance and she became introverted and fearful as result of the harassment. She filed complaint after complaint to the police and though Mr Fogel was cautioned and served with restraining orders his negative behaviour persisted. Finally, after breaching several orders he was sentenced to two years imprisonment.

Obsession can be fatal as we saw in the tragic case of Jo Yeates, a 25 year old landscape architect, who was murdered by her neighbour, Vincent Tabak. It was a week before Christmas and, whilst her boyfriend was away, she had invited her Dutch neighbour one evening for a festive drink. No one knows what transpired but it appears that Vincent Tabak may have tried to make sexual advances towards Ms Yeates and her rebuff sent him into a violent rage that resulted in her death. He is now serving a life sentence.

Each psycho, freak and creep you may stumble upon is unique. They’re charming and persuasive or anti-social and withdrawn. Most of these disturbed individuals seem harmless in appearance and have higher than average intelligence but there’s a short in their emotional circuitry. Psychiatrists will have lengthy case files and may offer eloquent prognosis on the motivations but none of this bodes well for the woman in the street who just wants to get on with her life. Who knows what the combination of selfish genes and a malfunction of testosterone will throw up?

The best way to prevent being stalked is to be aware of the first signs of an abusive and oppressive personality.

• If he calls or texts just a little too much and becomes angry if you don’t reply instantly.
• If he tries to isolate you from friends and tries to come between you and your girlie nights.
• If he makes you feel guilty for wanting to spend time on your own pursuits.
• If he never allows you to be alone.
• If he accuses you of having an affair when you work late
• If he ever uses violence against you, verbal or physical, then it’s time to leave.
• Avoid mixed messages and be clear in your intentions, in word and deed. Limit your social networking (you don’t need 740 friends on Facebook or 912 followers on Twitter!). Put your security and dignity first; resist divulging personal information and use networking sites responsibly. Switch off your mobile and gadgets and have some down time. Never reply to malicious communications and report them to the police.

  Improve your self-esteem and you’ll attract a like-minded partner. The maladjusted will continue to be fodder for movie makers. Freddie of Elm Street and Michael from Halloween may have achieved Hollywood infamy but do your utmost to ensure that they don’t have a starring role in your life story.

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Lucille Morgan

Lucille is a writer, activist and free spirit. Fiction and poetry are her mainstays. An area she is keen to explore is ‘Debt Solutions’.
Lucille is on the editorial team and assists in sourcing new talent for Pinkvox. To read more articles by Lucille click here

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I’ve been counselling a friend recently. She’s turning 40 in a few months. She’s a great girl, a real outdoorsy type and full of fun. And, unlike her other half she’s still got all her hair and does the jeans-thing sans beer belly. She’s a vet too, so has a lot up top and a very fulfilling career.

So what’s getting her down? Not the fact she’s ageing or jostling for space in the changing rooms at Top Shop with women who could feasibly be her own child. No, it’s the realisation that her ovaries aren’t as in good nick. She doesn’t have children you see, and the chances of it happening are diminishing even as you read this.

Why didn’t she try for wee ones sooner? Well, like me, she spent a lot of her 30′s trying to find her own particular Mr Darcy, juggle her career and stay sane.

I’m just past 40 now and I’ve come to terms with the fact I don’t have kids. According to one rather right wing tabloid, one in five women aged 30 to 40 are now childless, either through choice or circumstance.

Getting two cats kinda took the sting away for me. These warm, furry beings need cuddled and nurtured. Not the same as a child, I know, but nice anyway to find something (other than the partner) snuggling up to you when you get home from a hectic day in the office – even if, in both cases, it is just for food.

I can ‘do retail’ on their behalf too. In fact I have a shoebox full of gaudy patterned and textured cat collars. Mac, the kitten, is orange and suits blue best. Milton’s black and white and looks cool with red diamante. Yes, I know it’s sad. But fun.

Getting back to the Mid-Life Crisis (yes, that’s what we were talking about back there) experts and those who like to debate the subject ad infinitum, claim the phenomenon hits the sexes differently.

Women for instance, according to Cathy Meyer of About.Com: Divorce Support, find it’s a time to do all those things they’ve thought about for years and haven’t had the opportunity time-wise to pursue (due to motherhood/career). Men, on the other hand, fear not having achieved the goals they’d set themselves. They also become afraid of aging and losing their attractiveness to the opposite sex, says Meyer. As a result they tend to have more affairs (see Ronan Keating and the 26-year-old dancer) and ridicule themselves in a red sports car. But anyways, who cares about them?

When it comes to women, in her book The Breaking Point, American columnist Sue Shellenbarger tells how she was amazed at the number of women who resonated with her when she wrote an article on her own mid-life crisis.

At the age of 49, Shellenbarger turned to adrenalin sports (All Terrain Vehicles in particular) until she broke her collar bone…twice.The model mother and housewife, had become fed up living in corporate America, being perfect and ignoring her inner cravings. So she re-prioritised – and got a row from Neighbourhood Watch for not keeping her yard clean.

“Women are having mid-life crises now, because they can,” she says. She backs this up by claiming we are more powerful (financially), skilled, confident and stressed than ever before.

The divorced mother-of-two surveyed more than 50 women and found that through their mid-life crisis, women discovered new horizons in terms of either: career/love/travel/hobby/extreme sport/religion.

Melanie, in her early 50s, felt suicidal after her father died and ended up with three ageing relatives to care for. It led her to feel powerless. She got over this by taking up photography and teaching English to refugees.

Claire feels she didn’t do anything for others to learn from. She didn’t climb a mountain or join a convent. What she did do though, was give up her day job as a tough CEO of a management consultancy firm and become a lay chaplain. Her health had suffered in her day job to the extent her feet had swollen and when having to give a big presentation one day, she couldn’t even fit into her shoes because her feet had swollen so much. Her face had also broken out. Realising she was at crisis point, she signed up for Jazz dance classes and loved it. She changed her job and worked for a non-profit organisation. She felt more positive about herself.

Isn’t there stuff we could all learn from here?

So let’s do it -

look for self-satisfaction now. Do the spiritual, exciting, fulfilling stuff now and let’s not wait ’til it’s too late. Oh, and if you’re that particular way inclined – remember to have kids too!

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Article by Jill Stevenson

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